but my mind is going so fast and i’m so hyper and it’s hard enough to slow my mind down enough to communicate and i don’t know how i’m going to do it at all. every time i start to read something about the topic i forget exactly what the question is and what i’m supposed to be looking for. fuck i hate this shit.

Original Article

Like, today and yesterday.  Am I in a good mood, or too good a mood?  Why can’t I just enjoy it…

Original Article

was fucking horrible. I don’t remember ever having that bad a night, depression-wise (is that how you punctuate that? I don’t even know). If I ever have. I don’t even know why; there was nothing more serious that happened than history homework (which, by the way, I didn’t do any of last week’s assignments).

Someone convince me to call my doctor. Because I think that I believe, on some level, that if I don’t have to go in for an appointment other than med checks, then I’m doing okay. Regardless of everything else.

By the way, is anyone else ridiculously introspective? Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one that’s at my level as far as that goes. That’s probably where all my interpersonal skills are.

Original Article

I’m having more and more and more days where it takes everything I have to get out of bed.  One of these days I won’t be able to and I’ll just stay in bed for days and days and days until things better.  Which will be never, so I guess that means forever.  The real world is so hard.  And stressful.  And painful.  And lonely.  And the good times are so fleeting, and feel so impossible, that it hardly seems worth it.  I more depressed I get, the more forget how it feels to be happy.  Happy’s not really the right word, just… at a “normal” level.  I’m not sure I can describe it.  And when I do remember how it feels, it doesn’t necessarily give me hope like you’d think… it just makes me more depressed that I used to be okay and now I’m not and no matter how good it gets it will always come back down.  And the absolutely beautiful thing about Bipolar II is that depressions are deeper, more frequent, and last longer than in Bipolar I and clinical depression.  It’s just so hard.

Continue Reading…

I’ve come to the realization that I may never be able to go back to being a full-time student.  In fact, at this point, it seems probable.  This, of course, means that I’ll take much longer to graduate that four years… and I’ve always judged people that do.  But the further I get into this semester, the more likely it seems.  I’m not sure what my mom is going to think of that, but I think if I go back to full-time I’ll end up failing most of my classes and probably get kicked out of school.  I hope she can understand that, but I have no idea.  I don’t understand why I have to be like this.  I feel like such a failure.  Like I’m just not good enough or smart enough or grown up enough to actually measure up to my, or others’, standards…..

Full Article

But I really need something with better pay/hours.  I mostly like my job, though there are definitely times when I just want to walk out (I’m too impulsive, especially when I’m angry).  Also, I’m getting to the bored with it stage that happens to every job I’ve ever had.  I really wish I could just be content with a job that I can stick with for several years, like most people.  Not even necessarily content, I just wish I could stay somewhere for a year.  I’m a week away from 20, and the longest time I’ve held a job I’ve had is my internship for nine months that I couldn’t quit if I wanted to graduate high school.  Next to that, I think my record is five months.

I’m really pathetic sometimes.

Original Article

I went from bored and lethargic, to depressed and angry, to whatever (it’s a mood, I don’t care what you say), to like, trying to keep myself from laughing or grinning for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON while I was in class.

I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Original Article

Original Article

Well, I just finished it, actually. It’s An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison, and it is absolutely amazing. It’s about her experiences with bipolar (she prefers manic-depression) and I love it. It’s very inspiring to me. Actually, inspiring isn’t really the right word, but it’s the best I can think of right now.

If you have any interest at all in learning what it’s like to have this illness, read this book. Though as she says, and as I’ve said before, you can never come close to truly understanding what it’s like to be bipolar unless you are, as well.

Anyway, yeah. Great, great book.

Original Article

CHECK IT OUT

Original Article